Baron Enlists to Go Over There

Kellyanne Conway made her way through the gaggle, approaching the microphone to kick off the hastily called, late afternoon press conference. “Thanks to all of you for dropping everything to join us this chilly day for a presser here at Times Square, where America so memorably celebrated V-J Day on August 14, 1945,” she told the luminaries of Manhattan’s press corps – Fox News, NewsMax, One America News, assembled conservative podcasters, online influencers, etc. “Without further ado, allow me to introduce the First Son of the United States. Baron has a brief statement to make and will then take some questions.”

Flanked by Secret Service agents, at six foot nine, Baron was hard to miss as he sauntered up to the microphone beside Kellyanne in his winter jacket at the outdoors press conference, standing beneath the bigly neon American flag outside of the U.S. Armed Forces Recruiting Station at 42^nd Street. The President’s youngest son cleared his throat and began speaking: “Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thanks for attending this last-minute news conference. I’m here to announce that as of today, I’m dropping out of the NYU Stern School of Business.”

Shocked members of the media interrupted Baron, demanding to know “why?” as he pressed on. “Because I’m joining the U.S. military.” A kerfuffle swept the astounded crowd of reporters at Times Square as Baron asked, “Are there any questions?”

In a frenzy, the incredulous ink-stained wretches started shouting all at once. “Okay, okay, one at a time,” a dismayed Conway said, pointing at Laura Ingraham. “Laura, do you have a question?” The Fox News anchor replied, “Yes! Baron, this is so unexpected. Why are you leaving school to enlist?”

Looking up at the electronic billboards and theater marquees around Times Square, the 19-year-old answered with a far away look in his somewhat misty eyes: “My fath- – uh, the President – has proclaimed that Operation Epic Fury is to defend America from imminent threats by Iran and to make sure that the Islamic Republic does not obtain a nuclear weapon, like any of those 5,000 nukes the USA has. I have to help re-obliterate what the President obliterated about eight months ago. As a proud Slovenian-American, I can’t just stand idly by as my dad – uh, the leader of the free world – sends our boys to do the fighting on the other side of the globe. In his relentless quest for the Nobel Peace Prize, our commander-in-chief has bombed at least seven countries in the Middle East, Africa and South America, plus those boat strikes in the Caribbean and Eastern Pacific in the last year. As the President declares ‘World War Trump,’ I’ve got to step up and do my bit. I can’t just sit it out at home in comfort as other young Americans are fighting – and dying – for Trump-erialism.”

Baron then called on Sean Insanity, who was wildly waving his hand. “So, are you joining the Space Force or the Air Force?”

“Neither,” the new recruit replied. “Then what branch are you enlisting in?” asked NewsNation’s Chris Cuomo.

“The Army,” Baron said proudly, as a murmur swept the throng and he pointed at NewsMax’s Carl Higbie, who spluttered, “What rank will you start out with?”

Disappointed, with a huff, Baron snapped: “Listen, I’m enlisting as a buck private. Don’t you get it? I’m gonna just be a grunt, a dogface. I’ll have to earn my stripes, just like any other recruit from Appalachia or Watts or Heartland USA. I don’t want any special treatment. We all have to do our patriotic duty now. Furthermore, from here on in, I don’t want be called ‘Baron’ anymore. From now on, I’m just plain ol’ ‘Barry’ – ‘Barry from the block.’ In fact, there’s only one condition I’m insisting on before I sign up.”

“What’s that, Baron?” Candace Owens shouted over the din.

“I have to do my basic training at a base named after a Confederate officer.” Baron then pointed at Matt Gaetz, and the OAN host asked: “How long will you serve, Baron?”

“For the duration, Matt. Until we win World War Trump to make the world safe for billionaires, once and for all,” Baron resolutely responded. Amy Goodman of Democracy Now! called out: “This is really hard to believe.”

With a hard look in his eyes, Baron’s head whipped around to look down at the fake news broadcaster. “Why? Look, I come from a proud tradition of war heroes. Despite his infirmity, my father volunteered to serve five times during the Vietnam War. But every time he tried to join up, selective service refused to permit him to enlist because of his bone spurs, sidelining him with medical deferments. And it’s a pity, too, because if my dad had been allowed to be drafted, we probably would have beaten those commies and won the war in Vietnam.

“And in conclusion, I also want to announce that my older brothers are volunteering to teach their expert sharpshooter skills learned while shooting unarmed animals in Africa with high velocity weapons to Delta Force, SEAL Team Six, the Rangers, JSOC, and the military’s other elite units. Today, everybody has to do their part in World War Trump. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go into the office so I can sign up in the Recruiting Station to go over there.”

At that, Baron – uh, that is, “Barry” – turned and strode away purposefully. But before he could enter the doorway, amidst a flurry of bleached blonde hair, podcaster Megyn Kelly elbowed Amy Goodman out of the way, slipped past the Secret Servicemen, and ensconced herself in the doorway as firmly as Governor George Wallace had at the University of Alabama in 1963. There, Megyn breathlessly pleaded: “Baron, before you ship out, can I fellate you live on my podcast?”

***

The news took the First Family by surprise, and they responded the following day on their channel of choice. Melania appeared on Fox and Friends and was asked by Brian Kilmeade how the First Lady felt about her son’s totally unexpected announcement that he was doing anything patriotic and voluntarily placing himself in harm’s way. “That’s my boy!” Melania enthused, with what may have been a smile obscured by the brim of her latest hat. During the commercial break she asked Steve Doocy, “If he gets shot, do you think more people will go see my movie?”

***

Later that morning, Baron’s older sister Ivanka appeared on Fox’s Outnumbered, where Harris Faulkner asked: “Are you afraid for your kid brother’s safety?” Ivanka briefly furrowed her brow and looked concerned; then, after thinking for a moment, brightened up. “Well, if he’s killed in action, my inheritance will increase by 20%.”

***

That night, in the Oval Office, appearing on Sean Insanity’s show, after he shined the President’s shoes, the host asked: “What will you do, sir, if – god forbid - your son is lost in the line of duty?” Without missing a beat, the father-in-chief shot back: “We’ll name the White House ballroom after him, then issue a meme coin and crypto currency in his name. That way, my brave son will never be forgotten. By the way Sean, you know it’ll be the bestest ballroom in the history of planet Earth. And have you noticed the gold curtains I picked out for the White House, Sean? Anyway, please excuse me, I have to get back to work on my memoirs about my rise to power.”

Sensing a scoop, Insanity pressed: “Who’s publishing it? And what is the name of the book, your excellency?”

Ever the self-promoter, 47 brightened up and responded: “My publisher is Franz Eher Nachfolger GmbH. And it’s called Mein Trumpfe.”