Blast Off!
Trump's Truth Social Post about his conquest of outer space, and an invitation to creatures from other worlds.
The Artemis II mission has been a tremendous success, but it’s just the beginning of the conquest of space by THE GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER! Here is what to expect as I BOLDLY GO WHERE NO POTUS HAS GONE BEFORE!
Look up on a clear night and what do you see? The same old Man in the Moon. Bor-ring. But not for long! Artemis III is in preparation, and will carry Jewish space lasers to carve out the lunar surface until it looks like ME! Take your gal out for some moon-in-June romance and it’ll be TRUMP smiling down on you! And of course there will be new lyrics for Dean Martin’s classic song: “When the moon hits your eye, you’ll say TRUMP, what a guy!”
If you’ve seen TOTAL RECALL—the remake with dreamy Colin Farrell, not the original with fatso Schwarzenegger, a lousy actor and a TOTAL FAILURE as a governor—you’ll know about terraforming, where our brilliant scientists can do AMAZING THINGS with a planet’s environment. So on our next Mars Mission (which will blast off any day now, guaranteed) the faded red sands of Mars will be colorized to the BRIGHT BEAUTIFUL ORANGE of my hair! And then our wonderful country’s books and media will be scrubbed free of all references to the so-called “Red Planet Mars,” replacing it with THE DONALD PLANET MARS! We have the same plan for Jupiter’s famous Red Spot, which will become THE TRUMP SPOT. But that probably won’t happen for a couple of months yet, because they tell me that Jupiter is a little farther away.
The Solar System has been going to waste! Thanks for nuthin’, sleepy Joe and corrupt Obama. But not on mywatch! Plans are underway for a massive project to turn the rings of Saturn into the fabulous TRUMP SPACEWAY, humongous concentric tracks that will make the NASCAR circuits look like hula hoops! According to the nerds in Houston, the rings are made up of rocks that float freely with space between them, but that won’t be a problem. I’m all about creating jobs, so every able-bodied hardhat should get ready for a trip to Saturn to hammer those loose chunks into a Thunder Dome, where rocket ships on wheels will zoom around and around, and don’t forget to place your bets with TRUMPWINNER, my new Gaming Platform!
Venus is named for the Greek Goddess of beauty, and who is hotter than MELANIA? Congress, I’ll be sending a bill your way to change the planet’s name, and I expect FULL COOPERATION! Astronomers in other countries will go along with this or we will impose tariffs to turn their economies into PURE HELL! And why should the weak and Woke Disney empire, with its DEI garbage and unpatriotic losers like Jimmy Kimmel, have their own planet named after Mickey Mouse’s mangy mutt? Thanks to donations from my wealthy supporters, I am offering a cash prize to whoever comes up with a new name for Pluto! Also, the unfortunate pronunciation of Uranus is an opportunity to re-name it after a real asshole. Fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen, for a flight to GAVIN NEWSOME!
And finally…CALLING ALL ALIENS! I don’t mean the parasites who scurried like rats over Biden’s invisible Border, but extraterrestrials willing to bring their talents to our GREAT AMERICAN LAND OF OPPORTUNITY! Are you super-high tech? Give us your energy alternatives to windmills, which are killing our parakeets by the thousands. Got Flying Saucers? I’m willing to pay for them with all the golden sneakers you can handle, and I’ll even throw in some TRUMP FROZEN STEAKS! Are you gifted with a dozen or more tentacles? Our fast-food joints will hire you in a Mar-a-Lago minute!
So remember, my fellow Americans… KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!
